Can I just rant? Does it need a title?

Things have been so frustrating and hard lately. At home, and at work. And things in my life are just so fucking weird.

See, I’m the result of an affair. But I didn’t know this until I was five. The man that raised me, is still the one I think of as my dad, even though he isn’t at all. He was just the man married to my mother, who tried to make it work when shit hit the fan. He loves me, I don’t doubt that. I still see him every Christmas, he still sends me a birthday card, but we aren’t “family”. In fact, there aren’t very many people that I actually consider FAMILY. I have 7 sisters, but I’m only close with three of them. In fact, I could say they’re my favorites. We just all get along really well. My oldest brother is an asshole, and he can suck a dick as far as I’m concerned. One of my sisters is a sex-offender, one of them I just really don’t know that well, and the other is 17. I’m 11 years older than her, we hardly know one another.

My mother and her sister don’t talk because my mom is absolutely and fervently against smoking weed, and my aunt smokes. My mother has no idea how much it helps the kind of pain my aunt lives with. She’s had both of her shoulders replaced, and her shit is fucked up. However, I’m close with that aunt. We share a lot of the same values and outlooks on life. We can have a conversation that doesn’t turn into a yelling match. Overall, I just truly enjoy her. My mother, on the other hand, sort of just pisses me off. She was such a great mom when I was little, but as an adult, I’ve realized how she lies and manipulates… She kept me away from my biological father for my whole life. Why? Because it would just be weird. I’m taking my fiancé to meet him after I go visit the man who raised me for Father’s Day. If that’s confusing, I mean that on Sunday we are going to my “dad’s” house, and then Monday or so, we’ll go meet my bio dad. I don’t care what he thinks, or what his opinion is, but he has been reaching out lately, and my heart is crying out for family.. So, maybe I can just sort of make my own family. Take a little of this person and that person, and put them together in a group that makes me happy. I have so many mixed emotions just based on my parents alone. Life, now, that’s a completely different story..

I hate where I’m at right now. I have a short fuse, and I get mad about the most irrelevant things. My anxiety turns into anger really quickly. My fuse is just shorter than it’s ever been, and everything pisses me off. I could attribute it to having been PMS, but it hasn’t been that. I think I need to go back to counseling. I am always better when I’m in counseling. Because I have someone to listen to me rant. And they are always on my side. 

I’m just tired of telling the same story over and over again. Believe me, it’s a really fucking long story. With lots of tangents, and lots of details that are necessary to explain it all. It’s just a lot to continuously have to be re-telling someone new over and over again. 

Ugh.. I’m just tired, and bitchy. Work sucked. The air conditioner was out, and I seriously thought I was gonna die. Being a server, in a restaurant with the air conditioner out is like the worst thing to be. There’s no way to cool off. Not for long enough, anyway. I take refrigerator breaks and go stand in the freezer/refrigerator and wait until I’m freezing down to my bones to leave. That lasts about five minutes. It’s sort of like a Rinse and repeat kind of thing. Most of my life is life that.

… And then there was a little sunshine

“Things are looking up, well, finally. I thought I’d never see the day when you’d smile at me. We always pull through, oh, when we try. I’m always wrong, but, you’re never right…” – Looking Up, By Paramore

Today happened as though yesterday didn’t ever exist or happen at all. I can almost say, with the exception of Susie still being mad at Jim (which I’ll explain in a minute), it’s been a quite enjoyable day.

We woke up happy to be next to one another this morning. That, in and of itself is miraculous. We cuddled, we laughed, we played with the cat. Then we went about our normal routine as though nothing has been out of the ordinary, at all. The sun came out today, and honestly, I think that had so much to do with it. 

Last night was fucking ridiculous. In a funny way, and in a really embarrassing way. After work, I asked my fiancé if it’d be okay if we had some people over. Just for a change of scenery, you know? So, I invited a couple of the girls that I work with, who are extremely intelligent and I think gave us a little of the intellectual connections that are so lacking in this god-forsaken house. Also, one of her friends and her boyfriend were here, drinking this special blend of Bacardi that’s supposed to be divine. Whatever. It was fun. We had a fire, I played the guitar a little, we drank some wine (well, they did.. I don’t drink), and we literally just sat there and had a fucking amazing time. 

But… Let me go back in time a bit here and tell you that Susie and Jim were already completely wasted by the time I got home from work. 

By the time everyone got here, Susie and Jim were more than three sheets to the wind. When Jim gets drunk, he likes to push Susie’s buttons and make her as angry as possible. Which, most of the time, is actually quite hilarious. This time, though, he kept taking it too far. They were yelling over all of us talking to each other, and both continuing to drink. Finally, Susie went inside, and of course, Jim stayed outside. Then, he started being really fucking obnoxious. He kept interrupting the conversation to ask someone random to watch some stupid video that he’d found online… And honestly, none of us cared. He kept blaring it through the Bluetooth speaker that we have, and was absolutely relentless. Also, beligerantly drunk. I came inside and begged Susie to please get him to go to bed or something. She came and yelled at him, yet he still didn’t leave. This happened a couple more times, and then he finally got up and left. Then, we hear Jim and Susie yelling at each other, over God knows what, in the front yard like you would expect to see on some stupid late-night show of Cops or something. We didn’t find out until this morning that it was because he was just so pissed, he was going to attempt to ride this motorcycle that doesn’t even work. Susie was trying to stop him from being ridiculous, and finally she just gave up, I guess. At any rate, the yelling stopped, so we continued our conversation.

In the very short moments of silence that we had, we were talking about prions with Sedona, because she’s a nursing major.  I actually learned a lot… We were all enjoying ourselves, when, all of the sudden, we hear this blast of heavy metal music, raging from the garage. Everyone decides that, at this point, it’s time for them all to go home because shit was about to hit the fan. We walked them out, and went for a walk around the block. 

We actually held hands, which doesn’t happen too much lately. 

When we get back to the house, the music is still blaring, and Susie is literally about to have a conniption. She begged me to go outside and talk some sense into him. She thought for some reason that he would listen to me, seeing as I was the only sober one.. So, out to the garage I went. 

Jim turned down the radio and asked me what was up, and I told him that it was almost 3 in the morning, and people in the neighborhood were sleeping. If he didn’t want the cops showing up at the door for a noise complaint, that he needed to come inside and go to bed. He said, “Susie sent you, didn’t she?” I said, “it doesn’t matter, it’s the truth.” He said, “I got a problem with my fucking dumb-ass wife kicking me out of my own backyard. She can go suck a dick.” 

All the while, he has a 1967 Buick, blowing exhaust into the house because Susie left the laundry room door open. My fiancé comes out and says, “God, Jim, you trying to kill yourself? There’s a whole lot of exhaust and no outlet or door open.” Finally, he comes in, and then decides that in that moment, he should try to figure out why the air duct in our room doesn’t produce as much air as the rest of the ones in the house do. So, he stood in our room for the next 45 minutes talking about alllllll the possibilities and reasons why it isn’t working the way we want it to. 

We didn’t crawl into bed until 3:45 this morning. It was definitely something, I’ll tell you that much. I’m sure that in the future, there will be many laughs regarding this night of absolute ridiculousness. 

But my fiancé and I, we stayed up, watching a movie. I watched the whole thing this time, instead of falling asleep. We cuddled, and fell asleep holding each other. Then, this morning, we woke up so happy to see each other. And we realized that, no matter how bad things get, we never want to be like Jim and Susie. 

What in the actual fuck..?

I don’t want to be here today.  I’m fucking miserable. I’ve been miserable before, but not like this. 

My fiancé wakes up every day in the most horrid of moods. She whines all the time about this and that. We’re almost fucking 30. You can’t cry about every little thing like a child would and throw raging temper tantrums. 

She makes me hate waking up some days. And even though I hate my mother with fervency, sometimes I think it would be better if we were apart for a bit. But she wouldn’t let that happen. She would throw this big dramatic scene… “Why don’t you love me anymore? You’re leaving just like everyone else. You hate me. You never loved me.” 

We bought a new house. But it has a tenant, so we can’t move in just yet. We are staying with who used to be my fiancés mom’s best friend/next door neighbor. It sucks here. It sucks so badly. I wish my fiancé would get a job instead of “waiting for her world to start”. She’s stuck on pause. This was only supposed to be for a week, a month at most.. It’s been 4 months now, and I’m not sure I could be any more miserable than I actually am.

I try to be strong for her, but I’m fighting my own demons, too. Those things that rear up their ugly heads at the most inconvenient moment. The ones you try to run and hide from, but can’t. See, I feel like there’s no way she could understand me… I feel like She doesn’t understand these things, because with the exception of her mother dying, she has had a pretty normal life. My life has been utter hell. 

Seems like I won’t be getting out of hell, like, ever. I feel like I’m suffocating under the weight of all of this bullshit. 

I’m tired of my fiancé acting like a fucking child all the time. Seriously. What in the actual fuck does she think that does? Other than push me away and make me think things like, “hmm, maybe I should close at work tonight so I can stay away longer.” It’s weird, though… Because I miss her when I’m gone away from her. But she makes me want to rip her hair out sometimes. I dread waking up every day.. I wonder how many doors she’s gonna slam, trying to make whatever point it is that she’s trying to make. I don’t know if she knows that all doing that manages to do is fucking piss me off and start me off on the wrong foot. 

It jump-starts my anxiety like a fucking semi coming to life. 

I’m supposed to keep my anxiety and stress levels down so I don’t have anymore seizures. But how in the hell am I supposed to do that with all the shit I have to pretend doesn’t phase me. 

I am truly miserable. For the first time since I’ve been with her, I’m actually miserable. Jeebus, I hope this gets better. I can’t keep going like this. I’m gonna lose my mind. 

The vicious Scorpio in me says, “okay, she wants to be a crazy bitch? I’ll show her a fucking crazy bitch.” What good would that do? None. So it gets stuffed back in that place in my mind where I try to forget stuff. Just like everything else. It’ll get stuffed until it can’t take anymore, and then who knows what’ll happen. Last time, I had a seizure and totaled my car. Hopefully it won’t go that far this time. 

So.. I’ll say it again.

I don’t want to be here today. 

I really don’t. 

A thought from the mind of a little girl…

It’s been raining for the longest time today.. When I was little, I used to tell myself that it was God, touching us. You know, because you can’t physically come within reach of God. 

Now, rain is peaceful and makes me happy, but it’s also the absolute most annoying inconvenience. Think about it, I mean, people are literally floating down streets, washing away with their houses. 

It’s like a second flooding of the earth, only we missed the ark. 

I hope it’s understood that I speak metaphorically. 

See, I don’t know if there’s anything to really believe in. But I can’t deny to myself that there’s something bigger than me out there. Even if it’s just the government, there IS a God. Monotheism didn’t really become a thing until way late in the game anyway… How many Greek Gods are there? How many Roman? The list is endless. There’s something out there though, and I know it. Because there’s many a time it has saved my life. Guardian angels or whatever they are, have saved me from harm too many times to count. So what I have faith in really is definitely not from a monotheistic point of view… I have faith in something. I just don’t know what it/they are. Sometimes I think my trains of thought are stupid, and that, of course, no one would give a shit about the bullshit I’m typing so rigorously… 

But just as sure as I am when I tell someone else that everything is going to be okay, I have to assure myself, as well. 

Everything will be okay. 

EVERYTHING will be okay. 

EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY.

I say things in sets of three because it’s my favorite number. Also, I don’t believe someone until they’ve told me something three times. Can’t walk around having expectations of other people that I can’t have of myself, now, can I? I won’t be that hypocrite. 

Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. Everything will be okay. 

Because.. Well.. It just will, damn it. 

Broken.

Someone asked me once if I believed that some people were just too broken to be put back together. Of course, my answer was no, of course not. Some people just need a different kind of love, different experiences, and different people to show them that broken doesn’t mean damaged…

This last year has really made me reflect on that. It’s been a long, rough year. My eyes have been opened to so many lies, my heart has been broken so many times, over and over… and by people I’m supposed to trust to love me and have faith in me. I have since decided that I disagree with my previous statement about being broken. See, things can only bend so far before they break. Once it has been broken, it can be fixed, but it’ll never be like new again.

I’m not depressed most of the time. I don’t know if that’s because I’m REPRESSED, instead, or because I’m really just not that sad anymore. I have my moments, though… Those moments, you know, where I wonder what my worth actually is. Yes, I know, my worth is not dictated by someone else, my worth is dictated by me, but me hasn’t felt so happy lately. The me that existed, has been removed. I’m no longer the sweet, innocent me that I’m used to being. I’m broken down, tattered and torn, and some days I just don’t know if I really want to be here anymore. Don’t worry, I’ll never try to kill myself. I did that once, and it really just turned out miserably for everyone. See, I’m meant for something. I’m not meant to die. I’ve discovered that I have a job to do, something important to do, so my time hasn’t arrived. I figure, if I survived it once, then it wasn’t supposed to happen.

In this last year that I have learned so much, I’ve also learned what it really feels like to be loved. I guess, really, that has been the past two years. See, I met someone who could handle my ‘brokenness’. And “piece by piece she collected me, up off the floor where you abondon things..” (that’s a reference to the song Piece by Piece, by Kelly Clarkson)

I think I still have problems accepting this love. Because discovering all these lies and all of these betrayals that I’ve had, I’ve become ANGRY. I’ve become BITTER. My patience has come to the end of its rope. Luckily, she’s there to remind me when I need it, that the love exists, that it’s true and un-changing. She’s my person. I guess I can tell myself at the end of the day that if it took all of the pain that I’ve experienced to get me to her, that I’d do it all over again. You’re damn right I would. I don’t know if she knows how much I love her. I’m mean a lot.. I hurt her feelings. I don’t mean to, but it’s just like this knee-jerk reaction. I get offended easily too, and it takes me a while to figure out why. She’s patient, though. Even if I’ve hurt her, her arms are always wide open to catch me every single time I fall.

So maybe I’m not actually broken at all. The other people, the people that hurt me and forced me into this position that I don’t want to be in… those people are broken and dilusional. Those are the people to blame, not the one who stays by my side no matter what. My best friend, my lover… my whole heart. It makes me angry at myself for hurting her sometimes, too. Mostly, I think I’m just angry… Not so much broken, but ANGRY.